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Sick

To be honest, i feel really sick right now. literally. i feel like I cant breath, and my whole throat is drier than Sahara. But you know what else makes me feel sick? this. this something in my heart.

why do you have to be so important to me? why do you have to be so harsh on me? why do we have to fight just to let you know how I feel? you see, i also feel sick because my heart is. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of changing. I am sick of chasing. I am sick of loving you despite being sick of everything I said. Is this how it really is? to love someone selflessly? If I could only tell you what I want from you, but that wpuld be too selfish. I just want you to love me, to show me, to know how it feels like before saying anything. i want you to appreciate what I am, despite my flaws. I want you to tell me that you love me and show it to me. I want you to be proud of me, to let the whole world know that you love me. I want you to whisper in my ear and tell me that you want no one else anymore. I want you to let me stay. I want you to try and be with me when you can. I dont want to wait for you anymore. I dont want to be always the first one to talk to you. I dont want to chase you anymore. I dont want to be stupid anymore.

I dont want to tell you this either, because id rather lose a fight than lose you :(

Why?

If we’re not meant for each other, why do I love you this much? this long? Why have I stayed here for this long. 

…When I look at us, I see flashes of a future, a future with you. and I’m scared. I’m scared that maybe that’s not what you want, maybe you have something else on your mind. 

When I look at us, I can tell how good we look together. I can see how much we match, how your smile was mine and how my smile was yours. But do you see what I see? do you also have the same eyes as mine? the same heart as mine? 

When I look at us, I get back at that moment, when you looked at me with tears in your eyes and said, “I love you.” how you sang I’ll be, which made the hairs at the back of my neck stand. I remember you and how you showed me the love you felt. Is it still the same?

When I look at us, I want to kiss you like we always did before. I want to hold your hand like the first time we did. I want to hug you and stay there forever. I am reminded of how you are like a drug to me. Can we still do that?

When I look at us, I love you more. I fall even more. When I look at us, I felt that I have a home. It is you. I’d like to stay here for long. Will you let me? 

If only you could read this

If I could only turn back time, I would not ever fall for you. But even if I can, I will still fall for you. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just let you go? Why can’t you just let me go? Why can’t you just tell me the truth? Tell me that I am not the right one for you? Why can’t I…?

I’m scared of a life without you, Jed. I am scared that I won’t be able to tell you that I love you. I am scared that no one will love me the way you loved me once in my life. I am scared. like part of me is tearing away, a part of my soul, a part of my heart. Why did you do this Jed? Why do we have to be unsure? Why did we have to get this far if it wIill all just fall apart? Why do we build bridges, and then destroy them? Why?

I was supposed to right a good bye letter but I can’t. Not a single cell of me wants to let you go, but I know I am hurting. It hurts so much. Maybe Ive done enough, and maybe when Im gone, Youll find what youre looking for.

I’m sorry. No calls, no texts, no messages. Just memories you’ll have to remember. And maybe when I’m gone, youll realize how much you’ve lost.

Tired.

What got you so mad? You turned off everything. Well, okay. I guess this is it. I just have to let go now. I just have to let go of everything. I just have to move on. Be on my own. I just have to. 

I haven’t been here before. You have taken me to a different place. And left me alone. I just have to find my way out. I’ll be fine… right?

If you could just hear me, right now. If you could just, see right through me. If you could just… just sacrifice a little bit for me. For me. When will it ever be for me? When will I ever be enough for someone? 

Why did you bring me here? Why? Did you really intend to hurt me? Well, congratulations. You succeeded in all levels. I want to be mad, be angry at you. But I can’t. Somehow, I’ve learned something from this. So thank you.

As of the moment, I am confused. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say either. My eyes can’t be anymore swollen. Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I knew it.

I shouldn’t be that happy. I knew it. 

I’m tired. Overused. Taken for granted. Lost. Like a thorn in my heart. I don’t want to explain anymore. I’m tired of explaining then nothing changes. I’m tired. Go find another girl who can cope with your conditions and wants. I am not for you, Jed. I am not fit for you. 

I’m tired. I don’t how I’ll move on. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I won’t  be able to move on from this madness. I only loved you, and you only loved me. Why did it have to be so complicated? 

37th.

I really don’t know what to say. I guess I have been a little bit quiet today. Thank you for giving even just a short time with me. Thank you :) Though I still get that constant thoughts about that time when I almost broke it up, I still think about it from time to time, but I guess this part of the relationship will always be there. I know I have been so giving yet so demanding. I know I have such a pain in your butt. I hope you also loved that part of me as I loved the insensitive part of you. Maybe not now, but a day will come when I will be able to love you the way I should, and maybe you could love me the way you should. 

Wala nako kabalo unsa akong ignon, Jed. There is nothing I could say that you don’t know. All that I have shown are somehow signs of how scared I am to lose you, rather than to lose myself. I know I’m so clingy and insecure and flawed, but I know you try to understand me. You may fail at times, but we both did. I know I failed too. I’m sorry.

I love you. I don’t wish us a long relationship, rather, I wish us a happy one. Happy 3 years and a month, baby lab :)

Issues.

Nganong sige man ka ug chat sa uban babae? Di ko kasabot. nagsorry ka sa akoa kay ngano gachat2 ka ug uban babae, pero gabuhaton japon nimo. :’( Gakalingaw ka sa iya? I don’t want to be selfish, pero it’s like mas gkalingaw jud ka sa iya kaysa sa akoa. :’( BUANG! tanawa rjud xa. layo ra kaayo sa akoa. plus gkalingaw pjud ka sa iyaha. ako? :’(( TANAWA! TANAWA!

para nalang unta sa akoa, gamay rman na. kung dili nalang diay ka magchat? magdula nalang diay ka? ngano dili man ko pareha sa uban babae. kung lain pa imong uyab, masuko man jud sila. pero ngano ako di nako kaya masuko sa imo? ngano ang uban maguyab kay mutuman sa isulti sa ilang uyab, magsorry pman gane? nganong interested kaayo ka sa iyaha? don’t you see? I am so threatened. I am so weak. Nganong kung uban babae grabe kaayo ka makareply, muchat man gane ug una, pero ako, usahay di ko nimo replyan ako pjud mangulit sa imo para mureply ka. sus nagchat naman diay sa uban. I may have your family’s vote but if you don’t love me, nothing’s important at all. :’( 

I can’t tell you this kay masakitan rako sa imong ipang ingon, masakitan raka, masuko raka sa akoa, daun ako napod magsorry. In the first place, ako man nasakitan, ngano ako man magsorry? I always feel I’m at the bottom. That I always come last to your list. I am so fustrated ngano dili ka kasabot sa akoa. I’m scared! I’m freaking scared! can’t you see that? Well, I think you do. That’s why dali ra kaayo sa imo nga kabalo nka gkasakitan ko, you still keep doing it. Gasalig ka kay love ra kaayo taka para biyaan ka? Grabe ka sakit hunahunaon. For the second time, ginatake for granted nsad ko nimo? Nganong nisugot pko nga tagaan kag chance again atong sauna? Katong gitake for granted jud ko nimo? Nganong gilove pa taka? 

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I want to kill myself and see who would regret not loving me more, not caring for me more, or not seeing me more often. Because when a person dies, everyone will care.

Why do we waste our time not caring for the people we love? We do we take them for granted? Why do we hurt them? What if we lose the so suddenly? How much will you regret not answering their call, not replying to their text, or rejecting their offers to bond with you. Will you say you should have done something more? 

Because in the first place, if we love a person, we should give them all the reason why we would like them to stay in this world. If we love a person, we should tell them and show them. But often times, we take time for granted, we’ll be so used to being pampered, then we’ll realize that the love we loved was gone, all tired and out of soul. 

December 12, 2013: fail.

I was so mad at you that I wanted to trash talk you. I did. I was mean. But i did not regret it. Maybe if you loved me, you’d do something to make up what you did. But as always, you’re passive, always out of effort. WELL, I AM TIRED OF CHASING YOU. I’D RATHER HURT THIS ONE TIME, THAN HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Maybe if you wanted this, you’d do something, despite having school. but if you don’t then maybe it is a sign that you really aren’t meant for me. 

I am still mad why you aren’t doing anything. but I guess you just want to study, or you just don’t want this anymore. Well, finally, I am giving you the way to giving me up and be free.