What got you so mad? You turned off everything. Well, okay. I guess this is it. I just have to let go now. I just have to let go of everything. I just have to move on. Be on my own. I just have to.
I haven’t been here before. You have taken me to a different place. And left me alone. I just have to find my way out. I’ll be fine… right?
If you could just hear me, right now. If you could just, see right through me. If you could just… just sacrifice a little bit for me. For me. When will it ever be for me? When will I ever be enough for someone?
Why did you bring me here? Why? Did you really intend to hurt me? Well, congratulations. You succeeded in all levels. I want to be mad, be angry at you. But I can’t. Somehow, I’ve learned something from this. So thank you.
As of the moment, I am confused. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say either. My eyes can’t be anymore swollen. Is this what it feels like to really cry?
I knew it.
I shouldn’t be that happy. I knew it.
I’m tired. Overused. Taken for granted. Lost. Like a thorn in my heart. I don’t want to explain anymore. I’m tired of explaining then nothing changes. I’m tired. Go find another girl who can cope with your conditions and wants. I am not for you, Jed. I am not fit for you.
I’m tired. I don’t how I’ll move on. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I won’t be able to move on from this madness. I only loved you, and you only loved me. Why did it have to be so complicated?
I really don’t know what to say. I guess I have been a little bit quiet today. Thank you for giving even just a short time with me. Thank you :) Though I still get that constant thoughts about that time when I almost broke it up, I still think about it from time to time, but I guess this part of the relationship will always be there. I know I have been so giving yet so demanding. I know I have such a pain in your butt. I hope you also loved that part of me as I loved the insensitive part of you. Maybe not now, but a day will come when I will be able to love you the way I should, and maybe you could love me the way you should.
Wala nako kabalo unsa akong ignon, Jed. There is nothing I could say that you don’t know. All that I have shown are somehow signs of how scared I am to lose you, rather than to lose myself. I know I’m so clingy and insecure and flawed, but I know you try to understand me. You may fail at times, but we both did. I know I failed too. I’m sorry.
I love you. I don’t wish us a long relationship, rather, I wish us a happy one. Happy 3 years and a month, baby lab :)
Nganong sige man ka ug chat sa uban babae? Di ko kasabot. nagsorry ka sa akoa kay ngano gachat2 ka ug uban babae, pero gabuhaton japon nimo. :’( Gakalingaw ka sa iya? I don’t want to be selfish, pero it’s like mas gkalingaw jud ka sa iya kaysa sa akoa. :’( BUANG! tanawa rjud xa. layo ra kaayo sa akoa. plus gkalingaw pjud ka sa iyaha. ako? :’(( TANAWA! TANAWA!
para nalang unta sa akoa, gamay rman na. kung dili nalang diay ka magchat? magdula nalang diay ka? ngano dili man ko pareha sa uban babae. kung lain pa imong uyab, masuko man jud sila. pero ngano ako di nako kaya masuko sa imo? ngano ang uban maguyab kay mutuman sa isulti sa ilang uyab, magsorry pman gane? nganong interested kaayo ka sa iyaha? don’t you see? I am so threatened. I am so weak. Nganong kung uban babae grabe kaayo ka makareply, muchat man gane ug una, pero ako, usahay di ko nimo replyan ako pjud mangulit sa imo para mureply ka. sus nagchat naman diay sa uban. I may have your family’s vote but if you don’t love me, nothing’s important at all. :’(
I can’t tell you this kay masakitan rako sa imong ipang ingon, masakitan raka, masuko raka sa akoa, daun ako napod magsorry. In the first place, ako man nasakitan, ngano ako man magsorry? I always feel I’m at the bottom. That I always come last to your list. I am so fustrated ngano dili ka kasabot sa akoa. I’m scared! I’m freaking scared! can’t you see that? Well, I think you do. That’s why dali ra kaayo sa imo nga kabalo nka gkasakitan ko, you still keep doing it. Gasalig ka kay love ra kaayo taka para biyaan ka? Grabe ka sakit hunahunaon. For the second time, ginatake for granted nsad ko nimo? Nganong nisugot pko nga tagaan kag chance again atong sauna? Katong gitake for granted jud ko nimo? Nganong gilove pa taka?
Sometimes, I want to kill myself and see who would regret not loving me more, not caring for me more, or not seeing me more often. Because when a person dies, everyone will care.
Why do we waste our time not caring for the people we love? We do we take them for granted? Why do we hurt them? What if we lose the so suddenly? How much will you regret not answering their call, not replying to their text, or rejecting their offers to bond with you. Will you say you should have done something more?
Because in the first place, if we love a person, we should give them all the reason why we would like them to stay in this world. If we love a person, we should tell them and show them. But often times, we take time for granted, we’ll be so used to being pampered, then we’ll realize that the love we loved was gone, all tired and out of soul.
December 12, 2013: fail.
I was so mad at you that I wanted to trash talk you. I did. I was mean. But i did not regret it. Maybe if you loved me, you’d do something to make up what you did. But as always, you’re passive, always out of effort. WELL, I AM TIRED OF CHASING YOU. I’D RATHER HURT THIS ONE TIME, THAN HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Maybe if you wanted this, you’d do something, despite having school. but if you don’t then maybe it is a sign that you really aren’t meant for me.
I am still mad why you aren’t doing anything. but I guess you just want to study, or you just don’t want this anymore. Well, finally, I am giving you the way to giving me up and be free.
December 11, 2013: 2:16am
I am having yet again another study break. I think I should just vent out my feelings for you here, right now.
We haven’t spent alone time in more than a week. I think alone time is necessary. I haven’t talked to you, like talk, talk. I was away last week (HK Trip) and when I came home, you’re the one who went away again (JPSME Summit). Class started again and… we just didn’t talk or have a conversation that much. I’m constantly waiting, but you’re constantly tired and sick. I always got sick thinking of these things, feels like I’m having fever when I try to stop the hurt, the pain, the tears. Like literally. I miss you. I admit, seeing you for a moment is not enough. But I have to be satisfied. You are. You missed me, and the sight of me kept it away. I still miss you. I miss you everyday. I miss talking to you. I miss listening to music with you. I miss hugging you. I miss kissing you. I just miss being in your arms. I miss being beside you. I miss eating food with you. I miss our spontaneous laags. I miss you. so. so. so. much. It’s sad that I know that you don’t, well, not to the extent of me missing you.
I’d tell you this, but I am ashamed being the one missing you. Always being the one chasing you. I can’t take to wait for you to chase me, because I can see you chasing other things. I wish I could just chase one thing at a time. I wish I’d just juggle one ball. But that’s just not me. I chase everything I love, even if in the process I’d lose myself, because maybe I know that, at the end when I have already have what I have been chasing, I’d be fulfilled again. I’d win.
I guess I just really miss you. I wish you could read this and not judge me, and not get mad, and not get disappointed or annoyed, and not get pressured by the things I want. Maybe when you read this, you’d just hug me after and tell me how much you love me. how much you care. how much you think about me. tell me that everything is going to be fine. that I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.
I can’t believe I am crying right now. Maybe I have been suppressing all these feelings so that you can just be happy. I can’t… say this to you. I can’t stand another fight, I can’t stand hurting you. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING! Feeling like this should go straight to you, but also feeling guilty about feeling all these things! gosh. why am I so selfish?! Have I been selfish? Have I not given you everything? Am I even enough for you?
Sept 2, 2013: Realize
I run to this blog to vent out all my bad emotions about you. Maybe its better that way, than having another tear-jerking fight with you. But anyway, tomorrow’s our 30th. and 2 days after is your birthday.
You forgot tomorrow though. I think. 30. Thirty… months? does this really happen on the 30 months of being together? naman. gakadiscourage ko. effort raba kaayo ko sa imong birthday. Makes me question my efforts for you. :/ waaaa. why am i even doing this whole blog thing. kuliting everybody? :|
isa ra ang answer anah… love taka. siguro kung mamatay ko tungod nimo, love japon taka. AISH! kung love taka,… love taka. ginapabuhat man sad nako sa imo tanan nimo gusto diba? gahinder ba ko? :( HAYS! AMBOT.
Quite some time…
Woah. this blog has been abandoned. :(
poor followers (does this even have one? if it does, HI GUYS!)
poor unread posts.
Have we abandoned us? Have we forgotten to remind each other that we will always be there? have we regretted getting this far? have we grown apart? Did we fall out? did you? did I?
Questions cluttering up my mind. School has been such a bummer. Driving me insane honestly. But hey, I’ve realized so many things. A big thank you to God, for bringing me closer to Him. <3 I also thank you, for bringing me to church. It has been such a great help being in church, even when I’m alone. I wish I could bring my family soon. My whole life is changing, and it is because of HIM. and maybe this is where your part ends. But I wish it won’t. But God is in control, He hears me, and He knows my heart, He knows what I need. and If it is necessary for you to be a memory in my life, then I am grateful.
But you know, it hurts. God knows that it hurts. This set up has been so confusing to me. I don’t know if I should be satisfied, or that I should demand. love does not demand. But what becomes of us? We are turning to strangers everyday.
If we end up together, it’s God’s work, not mine or yours. I believe that I should just trust Him my heart, than giving it to you. and maybe He will hand it to you someday.
But I really do love you. I miss you everyday. But I guess priorities are not in favor of us right now, maybe someday.