December 12, 2013: fail.
I was so mad at you that I wanted to trash talk you. I did. I was mean. But i did not regret it. Maybe if you loved me, you’d do something to make up what you did. But as always, you’re passive, always out of effort. WELL, I AM TIRED OF CHASING YOU. I’D RATHER HURT THIS ONE TIME, THAN HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Maybe if you wanted this, you’d do something, despite having school. but if you don’t then maybe it is a sign that you really aren’t meant for me.
I am still mad why you aren’t doing anything. but I guess you just want to study, or you just don’t want this anymore. Well, finally, I am giving you the way to giving me up and be free.
December 11, 2013: 2:16am
I am having yet again another study break. I think I should just vent out my feelings for you here, right now.
We haven’t spent alone time in more than a week. I think alone time is necessary. I haven’t talked to you, like talk, talk. I was away last week (HK Trip) and when I came home, you’re the one who went away again (JPSME Summit). Class started again and… we just didn’t talk or have a conversation that much. I’m constantly waiting, but you’re constantly tired and sick. I always got sick thinking of these things, feels like I’m having fever when I try to stop the hurt, the pain, the tears. Like literally. I miss you. I admit, seeing you for a moment is not enough. But I have to be satisfied. You are. You missed me, and the sight of me kept it away. I still miss you. I miss you everyday. I miss talking to you. I miss listening to music with you. I miss hugging you. I miss kissing you. I just miss being in your arms. I miss being beside you. I miss eating food with you. I miss our spontaneous laags. I miss you. so. so. so. much. It’s sad that I know that you don’t, well, not to the extent of me missing you.
I’d tell you this, but I am ashamed being the one missing you. Always being the one chasing you. I can’t take to wait for you to chase me, because I can see you chasing other things. I wish I could just chase one thing at a time. I wish I’d just juggle one ball. But that’s just not me. I chase everything I love, even if in the process I’d lose myself, because maybe I know that, at the end when I have already have what I have been chasing, I’d be fulfilled again. I’d win.
But you are different. I have no hold of you. “Boyfriend” does not really mean owning, it means trusting. But I think I am too attached, you got a hold on me, I couldn’t set free. You lock me up without chains. I AM FRUSTRATED OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. Basically, because I HAVE A 3-HOUR EXAM TOMORROW, AND HERE I AM WRITING THIS LENGTHY POST AT THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN’ NIGHT and you won’t even read this!
I guess I just really miss you. I wish you could read this and not judge me, and not get mad, and not get disappointed or annoyed, and not get pressured by the things I want. Maybe when you read this, you’d just hug me after and tell me how much you love me. how much you care. how much you think about me. tell me that everything is going to be fine. that I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.
I can’t believe I am crying right now. Maybe I have been suppressing all these feelings so that you can just be happy. I can’t… say this to you. I can’t stand another fight, I can’t stand hurting you. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING! Feeling like this should go straight to you, but also feeling guilty about feeling all these things! gosh. why am I so selfish?! Have I been selfish? Have I not given you everything? Am I even enough for you?
Sept 2, 2013: Realize
I run to this blog to vent out all my bad emotions about you. Maybe its better that way, than having another tear-jerking fight with you. But anyway, tomorrow’s our 30th. and 2 days after is your birthday.
You forgot tomorrow though. I think. 30. Thirty… months? does this really happen on the 30 months of being together? naman. gakadiscourage ko. effort raba kaayo ko sa imong birthday. Makes me question my efforts for you. :/ waaaa. why am i even doing this whole blog thing. kuliting everybody? :|
isa ra ang answer anah… love taka. siguro kung mamatay ko tungod nimo, love japon taka. AISH! kung love taka,… love taka. ginapabuhat man sad nako sa imo tanan nimo gusto diba? gahinder ba ko? :( HAYS! AMBOT.
Quite some time…
Woah. this blog has been abandoned. :(
poor followers (does this even have one? if it does, HI GUYS!)
poor unread posts.
Have we abandoned us? Have we forgotten to remind each other that we will always be there? have we regretted getting this far? have we grown apart? Did we fall out? did you? did I?
Questions cluttering up my mind. School has been such a bummer. Driving me insane honestly. But hey, I’ve realized so many things. A big thank you to God, for bringing me closer to Him. <3 I also thank you, for bringing me to church. It has been such a great help being in church, even when I’m alone. I wish I could bring my family soon. My whole life is changing, and it is because of HIM. and maybe this is where your part ends. But I wish it won’t. But God is in control, He hears me, and He knows my heart, He knows what I need. and If it is necessary for you to be a memory in my life, then I am grateful.
But you know, it hurts. God knows that it hurts. This set up has been so confusing to me. I don’t know if I should be satisfied, or that I should demand. love does not demand. But what becomes of us? We are turning to strangers everyday.
If we end up together, it’s God’s work, not mine or yours. I believe that I should just trust Him my heart, than giving it to you. and maybe He will hand it to you someday.
But I really do love you. I miss you everyday. But I guess priorities are not in favor of us right now, maybe someday.
Hi Jed. monthsary nanaman :)) Happy 25th! :* kabalo ko di gyud nako malupigan imong video :p unsa man akong ignon nimo? kabalo naman ka na love kaayo taka. basig sumhan ka ba ug balik2 na akong ingnon :p
btaw Jed, thankful kaayo ko ni abot ta ani diri. :) God has blessed me through you in many ways. I don’t know kung cameo role lang ka sa akong life or permanent character jud ka, but as much as possible, I want you to be part of my life nagyud. I am sorry for the times na… basta! sorry sa mga bad times na akong gicause. :( but I hope na this is all worth it for you. :)
kanta sa ko ug
Happy Birthday to Us
Happy birthday to us
Happy birthday to us! :))
everything is totally worth it with you. Thank you so much for keeping up with me. :) I love you. and I won’t get tired of proving that to you everyday :)
Happy 25th, my love :)
Hugs and kisses and so much more,
Al :* c(^^,c)
My heart’s home is you. The fiction I’ve dreamt of is finally reality with you. And you make me so happy that I’m scared to move.
Honey, I love, love you.
These simple things that means most to me :)
When you call me baby/love/lalab and etc
When you just call my name
When you chat/text me first
When you say you miss me
When you want me to kiss you
When you get protective
When you ask me of its okay to sleep by my side at night
When you get jealous
When you remember me and let me know
When you kiss me
When you slide down your hand from my arm and hold my hand
When you smile that crooked smile
When you have the shark hair
When you say hi/hello to me in public
When you kiss me hello/goodbye
When we act as bestfriends
When we act as lovers
When we’re just being us
When you hug me with your big strong arms
When you take me to restaurants
When we eat proven
When we drink milk tea
When you let me baby you
When you want to be with me
When you sacrifice things for me
When you choose to hangout with me instead of your friends
When i hear your voice
When I see your face
When you ask how my day was
When you tell me that you loved your day because of me
When you tell me you love me :’)
These simple things that means most to me :’)